Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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