if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
accomplished twins. life is a go
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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