so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
