just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
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