i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
