I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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