Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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