i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
