I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
please come you make the beer taste better
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
