There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
