White coat. Heels.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
