I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'm always down for nudity.
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