I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
