I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
