Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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