I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
