Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
