if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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