she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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