Im at strip club and am horny
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
