woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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