I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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