my sisters under your porch take her home
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
