Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
