Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
