i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
