when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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