Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
