HIV tests are more positive than that guy
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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