I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
