the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
