That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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