no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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