I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
