Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
