and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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