so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
