allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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