I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
