bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
