whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
