drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
