allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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