my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
