I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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