I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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