dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize