you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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