Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
