Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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