the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
