I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
