This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
