Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
either way he was missing a nipple.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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