I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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