i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
we're so committed to being not committed
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
