I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
