apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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