Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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