I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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