i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Rumble strips road head = magical
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
