I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
